Dr. Phil said What?

Yesterday while at work, I was gossiping and laughing with a group of women nurses about silly little things .... and one of them said, "Dr. Phil said that "we women" should always make ourselves look very pleasing to our men."

I thought about that ... and yes, I agree to a certain point. I'm sure Marlboro Man would love to see me in a stretchy tight little butt huggin' outfit with my boobs hanging out and my hair all over the place and makeup on my face with puckered up red juicy lips .... batting heavy layers of mascara at him. But that would be a dream. In color and in reality ... that would be a nightmare!

My evenings are spent in sweat pants, if I'm lucky, with my hair pulled back in one of Meg's hair bows that I picked up off the floor. I wear the same old tee shirt for a few days at a time, with food drippings and snot spots all over the tail. ... and would that be a Bra hanging on the doorknob? I might have shoes on if I can find them, and sometimes my socks do match.

Speaking of socks, the hair on my legs are so spring loaded, most of the time my socks won't even stay up, so why bother. I've sweated off any trace of makeup I might have had the pleasure to put on, on my one and only potty break, and that's only if I take them all with me to the toilet.

Most of the time I'm not sure if the smell I emit is "butt-crack" or just "lack of deodorant," because the only bath I get these days, is when I get soaked from head to toe from them splashing water on me, when they are in the bathtub. I can't get naked and hop in with them, because that might earn me a visit from CPS, and I can't leave them unattended because that just might get me arrested.

You can't walk through my house without breaking a leg because of toy overload. They've torn down the curtains and blinds, the TV is reprogrammed to NASA since Sam is smarter than he should be, and trust me on this one, that just doesn't entertain three years olds these days. They've color coded the walls with crayons, and at this point we're learning how to connect the dots. Paint is cheap and I know a day will come that they will grow up. But for now ....

Generally speaking, my weekends are the worst, since most of them are spent in the house, without smelling fresh air from Friday evening to Monday morning. .... and he's saying that I should always make myself pleasing to look at for my man?

I'm hear to tell you .... Dr. Phil doesn't have three year old triplets, a full time job and doesn't cook, clean and do the laundry everyday! He's not sleep deprived and he doesn't spend 49 hours of his day sitting on the edge of the bathtub waiting for someone to poop. He doesn't yell, "Next" as soon as he wipes a butt and herds one kid out the door and another one in. .... and he doesn't spend the only time he might have to himself sitting on the floor in the dark whispering "get back in that bed, or a mouse might get you!" (yes, Dr. Phil, I'm aware this might cause psychological damage and long term effects, but I need to sleep too. We'll deal with it later!)

Then, after all is quiet in the house, he isn't on his hands and knees under the table scraping food off the floor with the back of a spoon, .... or wiping the milk off of his face that is dripping down through the crack in the table, as he bangs his head fifteen times while scrubbing the floor.

Come on Dr. Phil .... if you said this, tell me you were kidding. Right?!!

Seven years ago, I used to be the "Queen of Strut," and, "looking pleasing to my man" is what got me where I am today! .... fifty years old, living in Green Acres with Marlboro Man, three year old triplets, a nervous Chihuahua that pees on the floor, a house full of flies, and a bunch of stinking cows! Give me a break! I am just trying to find time to suck in enough air to survive. Don't you think for one minute that if I had just one extra hour in my day, I would do my best to please my man a little, right before I pass out from sheer exhaustion when he gets home at night.

So, please don't give him any ideas. I don't have time for this, and trading me in for a newer model just isn't in the picture ... the poor man couldn't afford child support, take care of the kids and milk the cows at the same time!

Like Martina McBride says, and for the sake of my inner woman and the Sisterhood, I'm hanging onto every word she sings .... "my baby loves me just the way that I am!"

Be Blessed all you wonderful women out there, and "Welcome to my World Dr. Phil!"

Now for real: If by chance you read this Dr. Phil .... this was all in fun, except the mouse part, and I'll let you deal with them in a few years! I truly love you, and I would watch you everyday if I had the time, but you know how it is .... sigh!